Category: Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll ya have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar !

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head. “How you like it?” asked the barber. “Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how ’bout making it a little longer in the back?”

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?” The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.” The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?” The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!”

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That will be one ruble,” says the bartender. “One ruble!” the customer protests, “last week it was only fifty kopeks!” “Well,” replies the bartender, “it’s fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika.” Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, “We are out of beer.”

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Old man O’Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O’Malley of her old man’s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.” She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?” “Knowing Brian O’Malley as well as I did, I don’t think so,” said the foreman, “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.”

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?” “Yup, shore am!” “How much does he weigh now?” The proud father answered, “Ten pounds.” The bartender said, “Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.” The proud Texas father said, “Jest had him circumcised!”

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. No further testing is planned.