Category: Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, “What’s that all about?” The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, “Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.” “Okay,” said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, “You have one wish.” The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, “Hey! I didn’t want a million ducks.” The bartender replied, “Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?”

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?” The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?” The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?” The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.” The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the drunk left. About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!” The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”

Twenty-four hours in a day… twenty-four beers in a case… coincidence?’

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. “What will you have?” the bartender asked. “I’ll have a glass of blood,” the first replied. “I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please,” said the second. “I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the third. “OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?”

Q: What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? A: Ok you 2, dont start anything’

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartend er paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. “Hey,” says the bartender, “No dogs allowed in the bar.” “Oh please?,” begs the customer. You see, you’re playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals.” “You’re trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar,” says the bartender. “No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don’t like baseball!” Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. “That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I’m curious though….if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?” “I don’t know,” confesses the owner, “I ‘ve only had him for five years.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lon e Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?” The cowboy says to him, “Nothing much, I just wanted you to know………… you left your Injun running!!!”

Didja hear the news? asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. “Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!” “Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!”