Category: Lawyer jokes

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”

Excuse me, a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.” “Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” they stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. “Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, “When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way.”

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. “The judge’ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!” “I don’t think so,” his attorney told him. “I sent it in the other lawyer’s name!”