Category: Aviation jokes

Ive never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me — all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Ma’am, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, they’re all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.

Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, “Wait Please.” To which Laloo replied, “65 kgs,” and moved on.

Stewardess” “Yes, Sir?” “I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.” “Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A small twin-prop commuter plane was hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who vowed to kill one of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions. There were two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast geneticist. The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they shouldn’t be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1 minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the hijacker in tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist who said, “let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important discipline…” but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who exclaimed “Shoot me! Shoot me!”

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it–until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: “Honey, I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice, I’ve told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair …”

ATC: “Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? ” Cessna: “To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.” ATC: “I meant in the next five minutes not years.”

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle. After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came “Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton…and if any of you were asleep…I bet you’re not now!”

Flight 1234, are you ready to copy holding instructions? “Center, make that request on the next frequency….”