Category: Farmer jokes

Why was the farmer hopping mad ? Because someone had trodden on his corn !

Did you hear about the farmer’s boy who hated the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine boy and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!” A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!” “Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”. Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”. The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

Tell me, said the hiker to the local farmer, “will this pathway take me to the main road?” “No, sir,” replied the farmer, “you’ll have to go by yourself!”

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.” “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY And that really sped them up. So the f armer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?” “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go to that farmer’s house and look at that sign… There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers.” So the sheriff drove out to the farmer’s house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte n in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand. `You’ll need to be fit,’ said the farmer. `Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?’ ‘No, sir,’ replied the young man proudly. `But you’re on crutches. You must have had an accident! said the farmer. `Oh, the crutches! said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn’t an accident! He did it on purpose!

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. “Hmmm…muffler’s loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench.” He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard. The Farmer yells to her “Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?” “What?” She yells back. “A Monkey Wrench!!?” He screams. “What?” “MONKEY WRENCH!!?…MONKEY WRENCH!!?” “Naw, this ain’t no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!”

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. “Boy,” said the farmer, “that sure makes me want to do the same.” “Well, go ahead,” said his girlfriend. “It’s your cow.”

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?” The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.” The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?” “Easy,” says the accountant “I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”