Category: Doctor and nurse jokes

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.” “But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.” “I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. “Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” “I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor. “That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!

Doctor, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Ive heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus. “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. “Remember,” the doctor said, “don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about baseball when you’re off the field.” Then he added, “By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?” Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.” Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell!