Category: Dead and dying jokes

What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.

I’ve been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare’s dead, silly. No wonder he hasn’t replied.

Vampire 1: “I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died.” Vampire 2: “How awful!” Vampire 1: “Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time.”

If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.

A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. ‘I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,’ said the monster. ‘Certainly ma’am,’ said the undertaker, ‘but there was really no need to bring her with you.

My brother’s a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye’

What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.

Doctor, doctor, I’m at death’s door! Don’t worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.

Why are you crying Fred? asked the teacher. ” ‘Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . .” “Fred,” said the teacher. “You must have known that Wisk’s bad for parrots.” “Oh it wasn’t the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier.”