Category: Computer jokes

Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer? Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

Webster’s Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said “File not found”. I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.” I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”. Again he got “File not found”. I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat’.

A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a “Keyboard Error” message. She then asks “Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn’t even a keyboard attached?’

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.” About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer? A: You get a short circut.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son? A: A microchip off the old block.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. “I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. “I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.” “You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, “Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95 among other indiscretions. I believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before; I’ll let you decide where you want to go.” Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?” Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?” Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think I’ll try Hell f irst.” So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I can’t wait to see heaven.” Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on t he late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. “So, how is everything going?” God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! It’s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place….with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? “That was the demo,” replied God.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? “I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.” “No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time a t all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.” “Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”