Category: Lawyer jokes

The bartender asks him “What’ll you have?”. The guy answers, “A scotch, please”. The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars”, to which he replies “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this”. A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration”. The bartender’s not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again”. The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the hell are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”. The guy says “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life”, to which the bartender replies “I’m \r nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” To which the guy replies “Thank you! Make it a scotch.”

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?’

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” the lawyer asked. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.” “Oh, yes,” the jury foreman replied. “We all looked – but your client didn’t!”

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked. “The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.

How can I ever thank you? gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. “My dear woman,” lawyer replied, “Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question.”

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

Where is the best place to hide a lawyer? In a brief case.

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.